My unreasonable view of the world

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28th May 2016

What happens if I don't stand up for myself?

I am intrigued. I have just made a connection between a number of events and realised the pattern. I have been giving my power away in a particular way that I had not properly understood before. I am still in the throes of gathering it all up and learning from it, but I will do my best to describe it in case it is useful to you, and I will use some examples from giving birth because that illustrates what I mean really clearly. When I was pregnant with our first child I was reading all I could lay my hands on and I was excited and healthy. I really wanted my baby at home. My midwife was happy for this and we all discussed it. My husband was nervous about birth so I agreed to go into hospital. Of course, since it was my first birth I didn’t realise how intrusive hospital procedures were, and that things would be done to me without asking my permission. I was furious, and fortunately able to express myself during the labour, but I was not prepared to go anywhere to give birth again. Since the birth was ‘uneventful’ in medical terms, I had my second and third babies at home and my husband was happy for this, because he realised that it was not the big deal that he’d believed it to be. However, I found myself again subtly giving away my power, phoning the duty midwife whom I didn’t like, instead of the one I really wanted due to some false loyalty, because she’d been doing my antenatal care. She made a decision that I totally disagreed with that caused problems for my baby, and I wondered afterwards why I hadn’t phoned the midwife I wanted. And now on to the third where I had a lovely midwife throughout my pregnancy who was on holiday when I gave birth. I found out later that she would have attended if I’d asked her. So there’s a pattern here, and it’s about not putting myself and my needs first, it applies in other areas, but it’s really obvious here. And I can look at my own birth where my mother handed her power over and I know the impact that had on my birth. So I am interested in that from a birth professionals’ perspective. But for this discussion I am interested in how I make excuses for apparently putting someone else’s needs above my own. It should be fairly obvious that the mother giving birth is more important than anyone else at that time. Why didn’t I consider the possibility of educating my man to give him another perspective instead of just buckling to the pressure (I felt) to alleviate his fears? And by doing so put myself and our baby in jeopardy?

This certainly doesn’t just apply to birth situations, but they were good examples.

Now I am realising that in my life I should be the most important person.

The reason for telling you this is because I have realised that if we are subtly giving away our power we are either resenting it or being manipulative because we have done so. I don’t wish to be either of these things, so I am reclaiming it.

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