WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR
“YOUR TASK IS NOT TO SEEK FOR LOVE, BUT MERELY TO SEEK AND FIND ALL OF THE BARRIERS WITHIN YOURSELF THAT YOU HAVE BUILT AGAINST IT”
We aim in our relationships to find satisfaction in communication, success that may have eluded us so far in our lives beginning in our families and developing through often superficial acquaintainceships, leading us to yearn for closeness in a personal relationship which we are probably not equipped to accept or recognise. The portrayal of love in our society is not based on an adult to adult relationship. The ideal of Romantic Love has been held up to be an attainable and desirable form of relationship between mortals; but when we look at it carefully and see what it entails we may see that we have been sold a pig in a poke. It is not what we have believed. One careful listen to many love songs will demonstrate what it really involves:
and show how impractical and ultimately undesirable it is. This is the sort of relationship between Mother and baby when the baby is very young, and the reason that we still seek it may be because that relationship was not fulfilled for us the first time around. Since it is rare for a baby to have those needs met it would follow that they still remain, even into adulthood. It is interesting that they are condoned in adulthood when they are frowned upon in childhood when they are appropriate. The feeling that “I will die without you(and your love)”is true in babyhood- a baby will die if it is not fed and cared for; the feeling that “you are the only one” is true too -you only have one mother. The words in songs describe this: ‘’I’m not scared anymore, I’m not scared in the dark anymore when I sleep with you. You make me feel just like a child again...” The widespread use of the word Baby to describe a lover, male or female, shows the role of lover as parent. However, we do still have a need for someone who cares about us as adults, we have a need for friends, companions, family and in particular, for someone we are special to - a lover, partner, someone who has an investment in our happiness. However, in a mature adult this is not overwhelming, nor is the lack of a partner life-threatening. The characteristic of an adult relationship is that you can choose to remain in it, because the alternative of a solitary existence is acceptable. There are times when we need to be looked after when we are adult too: when we are sad, ill, have just had a baby... it is appropriate to ask for and to receive assistance and comfort at these times. This is not the same as needing someone to run areas of your life for you all the time or feeling that you can’t exist without them. An inner knowledge of the fact that we could manage alone but it’s much nicer to do things with someone else shows that we can balance our lives and meet our needs.